Disgraceful!

last ditch attempt

2009-05-30T11:41:00.003+01:00

Friday, 24th July 2009
4.30pm

So, we're back in Paris. I thought that there was no hope left, that I wouldn't change my mind. Noah's not helping - he's being so quiet.

But he gave me his book to read, the one he's been working on, and wow...I mean, wow! It's so much better than the last draft I read. Cardboard Karl has become complex and three-dimensional. I can't believe the transformation!

Does this mean life can imitate art? But now I can learn to love and give and share as his character has? Or is this just a case of Good Old Grace's wishful thinking? I have to find out.

Saying goodbye the only way I knew how...

2009-05-29T00:00:00.001+01:00

Thursday, 16th July 2009
11.15pm

I was weak. I shouldn't have done it, but I made love with Noah one last time. The way he looked at me when he found me sitting on the bench in the garden...

For a moment, I thought—

But, I've been here before, thought the same things before, and I was disappointed that time too. There's no hope. It was wrong of me to give in, but I needed one last memory - a chance to say goodbye.

I wish I could regret being that selfish, but I can't. It was beautiful. I will never forget it - even if, in the coming months, I really want to.

Waiting for a miracle

2009-05-28T00:00:00.000+01:00

Thursday, 9th July 2009
4.17pm

Unless a miracle happens, I'm leaving Noah in a fortnight. I promised I'd stay until after the Paris trip, but I don't see how it's going to help. He's just kidding himself if he thinks going back will change my mind.

It's over

2009-05-27T00:00:00.000+01:00

Tuesday, 7th July 2009
9.15pm

I think I've given up waiting for the turning point to come. Noah will never love me the way I love him. And I don't know if I can live with him while I feel the way I do about him. I would stay, if I thought it would benefit our baby, but I'm not sure all this repression is healthy. How awful would it be to grow up in a home where you never feel quite accepted, never feel fully loved? That's something a child of mine will never feel, even if I have to do it all on my own and give double the love. I've done it once before and I can do it again.

I told Noah how I felt. All of it.

I told him I loved him and how I don't think I can continue with our marriage in the state it is.

He took it well. Too well. I wanted him to shout or scream, beg or thump the wall, but he didn't do any of that. Reacting would mean he felt something, and he just doesn't.

Oh, I wish I'd never got myself into this mess in the first place, really I do. I was better off growing old disgracefully on my own, even if I would have ended up as a mutton-dressed-as-lamb seventy year old with a frightening addiction to leopard print attire.

Heroes and husbands

2009-05-26T00:00:00.000+01:00

Wednesday, 1st July 2009
8.30pm

Noah let me read the book he's working on. His hero - Karl - is wonderful, just like Noah. But also just like Noah, he's emotionally shut off. Only Noah can't see it.

And, if he can't see it in Karl the spy, how is he ever going to see it in himself?

Karl the spy knows all about the latest spy technology, where Noah knows all about the latest high-tech baby gadgets. He also seems to understand all about fluctuating hormones and morning sickness symptoms - as if he's turned into a walking pregnancy manual.

Most women would love their husbands to be this involved in their pregnancy, but something feels wrong about this - as if it's all in his head and not in his heart.

And I want so much for us (me and the baby) to be in his heart. I really do.

Bleuch!

2009-05-25T00:00:00.000+01:00

Monday, 29th June 2009
12.30pm

Being pregnant is definitely worse this time around. Almost twenty years have gone by since the last time I swelled to the size of a balloon and the hormones that were kind to me with Daisy have decided to come back and get me this time! I feel sick all day long. It's so pathetic.

Noah's being lovely. He can't do enough for me. But I can see the fear in his eyes.

Noah knows

2009-05-24T00:00:00.001+01:00

Monday, 15th June 2009
11.30am

Okay, I was a little bit naughty. I used underhand tactics – or should I say under the duvet tactics – to make sure Noah was in a good mood before I broke the news about his impending fatherhood.

Didn't do me much good, though.

I might as well have told him I'd got head lice from the way he reacted. He went for a run. I'm starting to fume just thinking about it again. Give me a second to calm down...

But Dani gave me a good piece of advice: she reminded me how upside-down I felt when I first found out I was pregnant. I've got to let Noah feel the same way for a little bit, haven't I? It's not as if either of us was expecting this. But he'll come round eventually, I'm sure he will. It's just that he hasn't done this before, he doesn't know how wonderful having a child is going to be.

Unexpected news

2009-05-23T00:00:00.000+01:00

Friday, 12th June 2009
5.30pm

I'm thinking about suing blinddatebrides.com! I wasn't looking for a husband, but have ended up with one anyway (okay, I wouldn't swap him for the world, but they weren't to know that!) But now, thanks to them, I've got another unexpected member of the family arriving.

I'm pregnant!

My new life

2009-05-22T00:00:00.001+01:00

Sunday, 7th June 2009

I know it's been a while since I wrote my little blog, but I been settling into married life. It's been rather busy. Noah has a book due out any day and we seem to spend half our time in London.

We. It seems odd to say that word and it not refer to Daisy and me. 'We' is now Noah and Grace.

I love him more than I ever thought possible, but he's never even come close to hinting that he feels the same way. Sometimes, if I'm not careful, I forget to hold it all in when I look at him, and I see him react – as if he's backing away on the inside, as if he's worried I might say something he doesn't want to hear.

Hah!

2009-05-21T00:00:00.001+01:00

Monday, 18th May 2009
10am

Everything is perfect? What a joke!

Noah and I had our first row. I can't even remember how it got started, or exactly what we said, but I think my hopes that Noah was starting to fall for me to were a little premature.

I don't know what's up with him but I do know this: Noah Frost is very good at keeping secrets, at keeping bits of himself locked away, and I'm not sure that being married to him means that I have access to the key.

Everything is perfect

2009-05-20T00:00:00.000+01:00

Sunday, 17th May 2009
4pm

I've totally fallen in love with Paris. And I've totally fallen in love with Noah too.

And, you know what, I'm too happy to care about what that might mean at the moment. I'm not listening to all those voices that keep telling me it can't last, that something will happen to take him from me. We'ew happy now and that's all that counts.

Oh, my!

2009-05-19T00:00:00.002+01:00

Saturday, 16th May 2009
10am

What a difference from when I posted last! Yesterday was fantastic, perfect, amazing! I know I'm using far too many exclamation marks, but I can't seem to help myself. Look:

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Noah took me to Angelina. I could have stood all day and looked at the pastries in the display case at the front of the shop. There were so many colours, so many textures... and the hot chocolate we drank was perfection.

And it was there, in this grand little patisserie up on the Rue de Rivoli, sitting across the table from my crime-writing husband, that I started to wonder what I've been so frightened of.

So... I stopped being a chicken. About Noah, about being married, about everything (!) And I'm so glad that I did. I never dreamed I'd be this happy being Mrs Frost.

Big, fat failure

2009-05-18T00:00:00.000+01:00

Friday, 15th May 2009
9am

I am a big, fat, awful failure of a wife! It was my wedding night last night and I chickened out! How could I do that to someone as wonderful and thoughtful and... sexy... as Noah? Am I mad?

Quite probably.

But I... I... just got stage fright.

And I think I feel worse because he was so sweet, so understanding about it. But underneath all that niceness, I wouldn't be surprised if he is wondering why he talked me into saying yes to him now.

On Honeymoon!

2009-05-17T00:00:00.000+01:00

Thursday, 14th May 2009
6.30pm

I'm in Paris! Noah surprised me by whisking me onto Eurostar after the wedding. I can hardly believe it! Everything is so wonderful, much better than I'd imagined it would be, but what I'd expected at the same time – it's very hard to explain.

And Noah... well, he is equally as hard to explain, and for much the same reasons. Things feel different now. I'm in at the deep end of this marriage and I feel like I can only just touched the bottom with the tips of my toes. It's kind of scary.

Getting married in the morning...

2009-05-16T00:00:00.001+01:00

Wednesday, 13th May 2009
11.30pm

Well, I'm getting married tomorrow. And I know I said I didn't want 'Romeo and Juliet', but I can't help feeling that I'm short-changing myself. Am I saying that I don't want to love – real love – in my future? Am I saying that being Noah's compatible other half will be enough? Will always be enough? Because I'm not backing out or walking away once Noah's ring is on my finger. I'm not that kind of woman.

I thought I was ready for a grown-up, uncomplicated marriage, but what if I'm not? Am I making the biggest mistake of my life?

Daisy's new plans

2009-05-15T00:00:00.000+01:00

Sunday, 10th May 2009
5pm

Seems as if I'm not the only one to have had a dramatic change of course recently. Daisy has announced she is giving up her place at Durham University and wants to go to catering college instead. So she's got flour dust in her genes and got it from me. Can't really tell off for that, can I?

I know it's just a pipe dream, but we'd talked about opening our own little patisserie one day. I'd like that. Me and Daisy, business partners, best buddies - cooking together, working together, laughing together. It would almost feel as if nothing has changed. I wonder if it will ever happen?

The woman from the coffee shop, she says 'yes'...

2009-05-14T00:00:00.001+01:00

Friday, 24th April 2009
10:30 a.m.

Well, I've done it. I told Noah I'd marry him.

He came into The Coffee Bean this morning and I served up a piece of fabulous chocolate cake with white chocolate icing. When he said he thought it was the best thing I'd ever made, I told him I was glad, because I was planning to do another one for our wedding cake.

There were no grand declarations of love on his part, no violins playing, but he seemed really pleased. And he kissed me right in the middle of the coffee shop – in front of everyone! Well, in front of Caz and the two elderly sisters who come in on Friday mornings to share teacake.

So there you have it. I'm getting married again. Blinddatebrides.com did their job little too well, because I wasn't in the market for another gold ring when I joined up, but that's how things have turned out.

That's two down now (me and Marissa) and one to go. I wonder if Dani is going to make it hat-trick?

Here goes...

2009-05-13T00:00:00.002+01:00

Thursday, 23rd April 2009
8.30pm

I'm just about to phone Daisy and I'm not ashamed to admit that I'm absolutely terrified. I know it was my darling daughter who signed me up to blinddatebrides.com, but it was a half-joking, get-back-out-there kind of gesture. I don't think she was seriously expecting me to end up with a ring on my finger. Neither was I!

I know she's all grown-up, but I'm worried she'll think I'm replacing her dad. I have no idea what she's going to say. But I can't put this conversation off.

Before I give Noah and answer – and I alternate between yes and no every five minutes – I need to know what Daisy thinks about adding another human being to snug little family unit.

Okay, the phone is in my hand. Here goes...

He asked me again

2009-05-12T00:00:00.000+01:00

Thursday, 23rd April 2009
8am

Noah asked me again. Everything he said made sense. He can offer me a home, financial security...

That sounds awful, doesn't it? Like I'm some horrendous gold-digger. But it's more than that. I really like him - I could maybe even grow to love him in a getting-old-and-grey-together kind of way. It doesn't have to be a complete melding of hearts and minds for a marriage to work.

I think I'm finally ready to grow up and make a mature decision about my future, one not based on flimsy feelings and intuition. But I need to talk to Daisy first. This is going to change her life just as much as it's going to change mine. I need to know how she feels.

Unemployed and homeless

2009-05-11T00:00:00.000+01:00

Wednesday, 22nd April 2009
5pm

It's official. The Coffee Bean is going to close.

Caz has received an offer from one of the large coffee shop chains for the premises and she'd be mad to refuse.

I'm devastated. Not only am I losing my job, but the flat above the shop, where I currently live, is part of the deal. This is where Daisy grew up, where we weathered the storms that life threw at us together. I feel so lost. What am I going to do?

I'm too down to even think straight. Maybe I should just go for a walk and try to clear my head.

Starting to get a grip

2009-05-10T00:00:00.001+01:00

Monday, 20th April 2009
2.30pm

Okay, I've calmed down a little now. It shouldn't have come as such a shock that Noah proposed. I knew he was looking for a wife, I just thought I was off his list of ‘possibles’. Seemed I was wrong.

He likes me, but he doesn't love me - he's quite clear about that. He thinks compatibility and a bit of chemistry is enough at our age. And, I'm surprising myself by not instantly disagreeing with him. I'm so confused.

Entering into a sensible, ‘grown-up’ marriage just isn't me. I wouldn't be the woman Rob fell in love with if I became a kind of woman who did that.

Oh, wake up and look in the mirror, Grace! You're not a carbon copy of Rob's bride anymore. You're his widow. A woman with little wrinkles setting up in residence around her eyes and on her forehead. And you've been Rob's widow for close to 20 years. Perhaps it's time to become something else.

But should that something else be Noah's wife?

I just don't know.

What was he thinking!!?

2009-05-09T00:00:00.000+01:00

Sunday, 19th April 2009
9.30am

Noah just asked me to marry him!

Me!

Marry him!

Oh, help....

What was I thinking!!?

2009-05-08T00:00:00.001+01:00

Sunday, 18th April 2009
8.15am

If I ever needed proof that Noah and I should stay just good friends, I got it last night at the awards do he invited me to. What was I doing at an event with paparazzi and red carpet and oodles of champage? Feeling like a fish out of water, that's what!

I won't say it wasn't fabulous, because it was. And Noah...
At first it was as if he was someone I didn't even know, someone who other people flocked round and sucked up to. But then I looked again and I realised he wasn't behaving any differently from how he does when he comes into The Coffee Bean every day. It wasn't Noah who had changed, just my perception of him.

And now I'm not sure what to think. I know I said I wanted to be "just friends", but then I think about someone else being by his side at one of these parties, holding a glass of champagne and laughing along, while all the time all she can think about is the way his fingers are gently stroking the small of her back, and it just makes me feel all shaky and cold. And let's not even get onto the really scary stuff - the image of that other woman leaning on him on the taxi ride back to the hotel, smelling the clean cotton of hiss shirt, letting him walk her to her room and take off her shoes while she collapses on to the bed. And then he moves higher, unzipping my dress...

No, I didn't mean to write 'my' dress. That never happened. He was a perfect gentleman.

But it was a very easy mental detour to take, wasn't it? To imagine Noah there with me in that big, squashy bed, seeing his eyes go all dark and serious as we both look at each other and just know what's coming next...

See! I've done it again!

Only it isn't going to happen. Most definitely. Well, almost totally probably.

Oh, flip! I think I must have low blood sugar or something. I can't seem to make my mind go in the direction I want it to. Time I had a shower and went in search of some breakfast.

Now there's a turn up for the books!

2009-05-07T00:00:00.001+01:00

Tuesday, 14th April 2009
8pm

Just when I thought Noah Smith – don't get me started on that just yet – was a nice, or ordinary guy, he goes proves he's just as unpredictable as the rest of the male species!

"I write boring, military history stuff... "
Hah!

Noah Smith is actually no other than Noah Frost, best-selling author and chat show darling! I almost flipped my lid at him for lying to me when I found out. Almost.

But then I saw a will couple of women (old enough to be his great aunties, mind you!) slobbering all over him in Martin's bookshop and I started to see everything from his point of view. This certainly lays to rest all the questions I had about why someone like him would need blinddatebrides.com in the first place. It wasn't so much the chance to meet women he needed, but the chance to meet women on the neutral basis, so they could like him for who he was really, not his public persona. I can understand that.

And once I'd calmed down and he'd explained all of that, and how he hated going to writing events without a date, because it was twice as bad as the scene I witnessed in the bookshop, I took pity on him and agreed to protect him at a thing in London next week. Just to deflect unwanted female attention, you understand. It's not a real date.

Although, I am going to have to buy a new dress...

Just good friends...

2009-05-06T00:00:00.000+01:00

Tuesday, 7th April 2009
9pm

I've started to notice things that I'd been blind to before Daisy left to go on her travels. I've realised I do most of my socialising while I'm at work in the coffee shop or with Daisy's friends. And now she's gone and I'm not going out with her, I've suddenly realised that I don't have any friends of my own age. Except Noah, of course. But he's a recent addition.

I suppose it must have happened because I got married and had Daisy so young. Most of my peers were at university or partying hard when I was knee-deep in nappies. And, by the time they'd reached the nappie stage, Daisy was in senior school. If I chimed into conversations and talked about Daisy the yummy mummies just looked at me as if I was talking about a different species of creature. What on earth could a teenager have to do with their darling, jam-smeared toddlers?

I can't really blame them. Daisy was jam-smeared once. And when you have a child that small, you can't ever imagine them growing up, eating twice as much as you and stealing your eyeshadows out of your make-up bag.

So that's the reason I don't have any friends of my own age. It has nothing to do with not wanting any friends my own age. That would just be stupid.

Men are impossible

2009-05-05T00:00:00.000+01:00

When you send a note to a man saying you don’t want anything but friendship, you don’t expect him to say yes. You expect him to disappear in a puff of smoke. So why can’t Noah be like any other unreasonable, self-seeking, one-track-minded man on the planet? Why does he have to be nice and funny and have the sexiest wrists I’ve ever seen? It’s just not fair.

Somebody won't take the hint!

2009-05-04T00:00:00.000+01:00

Okay, Mr Noah Smith is a persistent little so-and-so. Didn’t I tell him quite clearly last night that I didn’t think seeing him again wasn’t a good idea ? And yet he’s sent me flowers! I don’t want them. I don’t want to even think about them. Because that makes me think about him. And I’m trying hard not to think about why I don’t want to think about him.
Oh, now I’m just confusing myself…

I’m just going to have to make myself clear. I’m going to log onto http://www.blinddatebrides.com/ and leave him a message to tell him, in no uncertain terms, that I’m not looking for love and marriage. That should do it.

Going bust

2009-05-03T00:00:00.000+01:00

Sunday, 8th March 2009
11am

I'm a bit worried about my Aunt Caroline - Caz, as she prefers to be called. She owns the coffee shop where I'm assistant manageress. Things haven't been going well financially for a while - too much competition from big franchises. I haven't wanted to believe it before today, but I think The Coffee Bean might go bust.

What am I going to do? It's not just a job, I live in the flat upstairs! I'll be unemployed and homeless if things go pear-shaped. Daisy won't have a home to come...well, home to. Know anyone looking for a partly-qualified pastry chef? No, I didn't think so. I'm just going to have to think of something. I can't lose everything, not when I've lost so much already.

A bit unexpected!

2009-05-02T00:00:00.001+01:00

Saturday, 7th March 2009
11.50pm

My blind date tonight was so not what I’d been expecting! I was supposed to meet someone I could brush off easily, someone who could be the butt of a funny anecdote for a few weeks. I wasn’t supposed to meet someone I would actually want to see again.

But, Noah…

When he kissed me I thought I was going to spontaneously combust!

However, chemistry isn’t everything, and Noah wants a wife. As much as Daisy would like to shove me in that direction, I don’t plan on wearing a big, frilly white dress ever again. (Yeah, I know – but it was the 80s, okay?) I can’t invest in someone so totally, so completely, that when they get ripped from my life I just don’t want to keep on going on my own. That might sound dramatic, but until you’ve walked in my flip-flops, don’t you dare judge!

So, no more dates with Noah Smith. He’s about as safe as a nice, sparkly bouquet of dynamite!

Another fine mess she's got me into

2009-05-01T12:00:00.003+01:00

Saturday, 7th March 2009
4pm

Rats! I can't seem to to anything to cancel the date with this guy tonight. The customer services department for blindatebrides.com isn't open again until Monday morning. Believe me, when they are, there's going to be some serious shouting going on. I know it was Daisy who set me up and created my profile, but it's practically identity theft! Don't they do any checks of any kind?

Which just makes me nervous about who I might be meeting tonight. I mean, he could be anyone! What if he's a real creep? At least we're meeting in a public place.

Anyway, the silver lining in this catastrophe is that I met two really nice girls online. Kangagirl from Sydney and Sanfrandani from - well, take a wild guess!

They made me realise that it's not the end of the world to go on one date. After all, I never have to see the guy again if I don't like him. I should stop panicking, go, have a nice dinner, then wave him goodbye and the whole sorry affair will be over - no harm done.

Help!!!!

2009-03-01T14:45:00.001Z

Saturday, 7th March 2009
6.45am

I need somewhere to vent and this looks just the right place!

I'm in a real pickle and I don't know how to get out of it. But it's a long story - let me start at the beginning...

My name is Grace and I have a nineteen-year old daughter called Daisy. I've been moping around because she left yesterday to go backpacking round Europe during her gap year before university - at least I was moping until I found out she'd left me a little 'going-away' present. It's just as well she's probably the other side of the English channel at the moment, because if I ever catch up with her I'm going to kill her!

No, I don't mean that, really!
Or perahaps I do. It's too early to tell.

Anyway, that child has signed me up to an internet dating site without my knowledge or my permission and has set me up on a date - FOR TONIGHT!

I'm not going, of course. I'll just have to find a way to contact the guy and cancel. But this is all so last-minute and I'm so new to this that I don't really know what I'm doing.

Like I said: HELP!!!!!

Come back in May to read the rest of Grace's blog!
For more information about the blindatebrides trilogy from Harlequin Romance, go here.