What was I thinking!!?

Sunday, 18th April 2009
8.15am

If I ever needed proof that Noah and I should stay just good friends, I got it last night at the awards do he invited me to. What was I doing at an event with paparazzi and red carpet and oodles of champage? Feeling like a fish out of water, that's what!

I won't say it wasn't fabulous, because it was. And Noah...
At first it was as if he was someone I didn't even know, someone who other people flocked round and sucked up to. But then I looked again and I realised he wasn't behaving any differently from how he does when he comes into The Coffee Bean every day. It wasn't Noah who had changed, just my perception of him.

And now I'm not sure what to think. I know I said I wanted to be "just friends", but then I think about someone else being by his side at one of these parties, holding a glass of champagne and laughing along, while all the time all she can think about is the way his fingers are gently stroking the small of her back, and it just makes me feel all shaky and cold. And let's not even get onto the really scary stuff - the image of that other woman leaning on him on the taxi ride back to the hotel, smelling the clean cotton of hiss shirt, letting him walk her to her room and take off her shoes while she collapses on to the bed. And then he moves higher, unzipping my dress...

No, I didn't mean to write 'my' dress. That never happened. He was a perfect gentleman.

But it was a very easy mental detour to take, wasn't it? To imagine Noah there with me in that big, squashy bed, seeing his eyes go all dark and serious as we both look at each other and just know what's coming next...

See! I've done it again!

Only it isn't going to happen. Most definitely. Well, almost totally probably.

Oh, flip! I think I must have low blood sugar or something. I can't seem to make my mind go in the direction I want it to. Time I had a shower and went in search of some breakfast.