So, we're back in Paris. I thought that there was no hope left, that I wouldn't change my mind. Noah's not helping - he's being so quiet.
But he gave me his book to read, the one he's been working on, and wow...I mean, wow! It's so much better than the last draft I read. Cardboard Karl has become complex and three-dimensional. I can't believe the transformation!
Does this mean life can imitate art? But now I can learn to love and give and share as his character has? Or is this just a case of Good Old Grace's wishful thinking? I have to find out.
I was weak. I shouldn't have done it, but I made love with Noah one last time. The way he looked at me when he found me sitting on the bench in the garden...
For a moment, I thought—
But, I've been here before, thought the same things before, and I was disappointed that time too. There's no hope. It was wrong of me to give in, but I needed one last memory - a chance to say goodbye.
I wish I could regret being that selfish, but I can't. It was beautiful. I will never forget it - even if, in the coming months, I really want to.
Unless a miracle happens, I'm leaving Noah in a fortnight. I promised I'd stay until after the Paris trip, but I don't see how it's going to help. He's just kidding himself if he thinks going back will change my mind.
I think I've given up waiting for the turning point to come. Noah will never love me the way I love him. And I don't know if I can live with him while I feel the way I do about him. I would stay, if I thought it would benefit our baby, but I'm not sure all this repression is healthy. How awful would it be to grow up in a home where you never feel quite accepted, never feel fully loved? That's something a child of mine will never feel, even if I have to do it all on my own and give double the love. I've done it once before and I can do it again.
I told Noah how I felt. All of it.
I told him I loved him and how I don't think I can continue with our marriage in the state it is.
He took it well. Too well. I wanted him to shout or scream, beg or thump the wall, but he didn't do any of that. Reacting would mean he felt something, and he just doesn't.
Oh, I wish I'd never got myself into this mess in the first place, really I do. I was better off growing old disgracefully on my own, even if I would have ended up as a mutton-dressed-as-lamb seventy year old with a frightening addiction to leopard print attire.
Noah let me read the book he's working on. His hero - Karl - is wonderful, just like Noah. But also just like Noah, he's emotionally shut off. Only Noah can't see it.
And, if he can't see it in Karl the spy, how is he ever going to see it in himself?
Karl the spy knows all about the latest spy technology, where Noah knows all about the latest high-tech baby gadgets. He also seems to understand all about fluctuating hormones and morning sickness symptoms - as if he's turned into a walking pregnancy manual.
Most women would love their husbands to be this involved in their pregnancy, but something feels wrong about this - as if it's all in his head and not in his heart.
And I want so much for us (me and the baby) to be in his heart. I really do.
Being pregnant is definitely worse this time around. Almost twenty years have gone by since the last time I swelled to the size of a balloon and the hormones that were kind to me with Daisy have decided to come back and get me this time! I feel sick all day long. It's so pathetic.
Noah's being lovely. He can't do enough for me. But I can see the fear in his eyes.
Monday, 15th June 2009
Okay, I was a little bit naughty. I used underhand tactics – or should I say under the duvet tactics – to make sure Noah was in a good mood before I broke the news about his impending fatherhood.
Didn't do me much good, though.
I might as well have told him I'd got head lice from the way he reacted. He went for a run. I'm starting to fume just thinking about it again. Give me a second to calm down...
But Dani gave me a good piece of advice: she reminded me how upside-down I felt when I first found out I was pregnant. I've got to let Noah feel the same way for a little bit, haven't I? It's not as if either of us was expecting this. But he'll come round eventually, I'm sure he will. It's just that he hasn't done this before, he doesn't know how wonderful having a child is going to be.